By Monica Smith-Acuna

I know every Washingtonian over the age of 21 or with a really believable fake ID has had an intoxicated encounter with a jumbo slice. I had one recently and actually slurred the words “this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” Then again, when I’m drunk I also think every man with gray hair is Bill Clinton. So clearly I’m a little delusional with some alcohol in me. Which is why I had to go back and rate them all stone-cold sober. Now you can go home with something better than a one-night-stand: 12 inches of DC’s finest, er, largest pizza.

Boli’s Pizza — Adam’s Morgan
Pizza Bolis
This pizza is the best deal at $5 for a 14x12 inch slice. The sauce-to-cheese ratio was spot on and the crust was nice and doughy. Overall it was slightly undercooked, but alcohol kills salmonella anyways right...? You’ll have more luck eating it on the curb in front of Madam’s Organ, than finding a seat at night; so don’t go for the ambiance.

Jumbo Pizza — U Street
Jumbo Pizza U Street
By far the most deformed, I’m not sure if this slab even qualified as a slice. But jumbo slice doesn’t have to be beautiful to be $5.50 worth of greasy deliciousness. The cheese was piled thicker than the crust but the sauce was plentiful and sweet. With lots of tables and chairs, you don’t have to struggle to eat a square foot of pizza while stumbling down U Street, ensuring all the pizza gets to your mouth and not the pavement.

Pizza Movers — Georgetown
Pizza movers Gtown
Pizza Movers doesn’t exactly serve a jumbo slice but rather just two pieces of pizza not split apart. Regardless, the pizza was flavorful, super-thin, and greasier than a pubescent teenager’s forehead. Hey kids, did the Georgetown student you had your eye on at Rhino reject you? Sooth your pain by doubling your weekly caloric intake with a 14x10 inch slice for $4.25.

Dupont Pizza — Dupont Circle
dupont pizza
Easily the smallest of the jumbo slices at 12x9 inches, it's also the least expensive at $4. By principle, I’m more impressed with the huge slices where I can drunkenly pretend I’m in the movie “Honey Who Shrunk The Kids?” Of course, this pizza wasn't bad. (Is any pizza?) Although it had little sauce, it was very crispy. And with plenty of places to sit, it's easy to rest your drunk-ass-self at this establishment while your friend pukes in their super clean bathrooms. Bon appetit...

So, is one better than the other? Well, it's hard to tell, even when you're sober. They're all sourced from the same mass-produced ingredients, so they all taste pretty much the same. They taste like delicious, bowel-moving, greasy pizza. And so, the only real way to rate these bad boys is to look at the price-to-size ratio. We gotta go with Boli's. Of course, these aren't the only four jumbo slice joints in town. Know of one even bigger and cheaper? Join the conversation on Facebook or Twitter and let the world know.